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Capitalizing on Email Exhaustion

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In my last post, I lamented email overload and its effects upon me and presumably, many of my co-workers and friends. Did I mention that I LOVE Microsoft? I am a diehard Microsoft customer, fan, employee, and shareholder. I do not read Mini-Microsoft and I don't intend to ever allow myself or my blog to morph into her or her blog. That said, I sometimes find great humor and take inexplicable comfort in the occasional and dilbertesque absurdities that I experience as a Microsoft employee.

Today, I received an email from somebody, somewhere in the bowels of this great company (a joyful and highly effective person, no doubt) informing me that I have NOT completed my 'MANDATORY Business Training'. Uh oh.

After my near miss with the 2006 MSPicnic confirmation email, I honed in on the word "MANDATORY" and read the email carefully. Halfway down the email, I discovered this dilbertesque gem:

"The sooner you complete this program, the fewer reminder messages you will receive. "

Ha! Hahaha! Hohoho! Well now, that's an interesting tactic.

ReminderMessage++;

How To Motivate a Customer to Consume a Service:

  1. Solicit customer response, by email.
  2. On second day, if customer has not responded to email, send them a "reminder email".
  3. On third day, If customer has not reponded to "reminder email", send them two (2) "reminder emails".
  4. On day four, if customer has not responded, send them four (4) "reminder emails".
  5. On day five, if customer has not responded, send them eight (8) "reminder emails"
  6. Rinse and repeat, as many times as necessary until the customer responds.

Else.... ReminderMessageToManager++;

If email bombardment fails to achieve compliance after a certain period of time, bombard customer's manager with exponentially increasing numbers of "reminder emails".

Blackmail by email: a sign of the times.

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