The part where my head explodes (not "literally")

While I don't technically feel "guilty" about it, I know that my blog posts lately have been maybe a little shorter; not as complete or fully thought through It's not that I haven't been taking showers; the place of my best blog inspiration.Things have been busy at work, which has kept some of my posts shorter. I looked back at my posts and realize that a good number of them were done before I really got started with the work day. Just trying to fit everything in.

I have always looked at blog posts and tried to resist turning my posts into slightly elaborate Facebook updates; getting it in in a sentence and a link. But I am starting to appreciate the beauty of the blurb. They appeal to me as a reader. In fact, sometimes I get antsy when I need to read an article or longer blog post. I am a time economist. I scan to get the info I need. I am getting stingier with my time. So no editorial process with this blog post. Just sayin'.

Frequently...normally, I supplement my work day with using personal time to get work stuff done. Blogging or putting in some weekend time to finish something off. If I wake up with something work related on my mind, I log in and get it off my mind. I did this Saturday, shooting off an email at 7:16 AM. It's not ideal, but gives me some peace of mind. Lately though, what wakes me up with a pounding heart is not work related.  I know what you are thinking and it's not that either.

My personal time has been focused on making some fairly significant changes in my life. Lots of changes on the inside; I see myself as a work in progress, always. This started a few years ago. I feel pretty good, not all twisted up about stuff I can't change. More accepting of people in my life. Sidelined here and there with situations I shouldn't have gotten myself into, but I'm learning a lot. About what I want in my life. And pushing myself to do things I thought I never would...things that I grow from. Overall, I am kind of feeling great.

But, all of this has led me to realize that a part of my life needed to change. Back in 2000, I thought suburban life was for me, especially when I needed to be in the office at 8 AM (remember when working from home was a new concept? Weird that it wasn't *that* long ago but it seems like dog years).  Now, my day usually starts at 6:30 AM, with coffee and pajamas. And I go in when I need to. And I am flexible about where I get work done. Airports, conference rooms, wherever I feel like doing my work. So living in the 'burbs wasn't really necessary anymore. I decided to return to "city girl" status. I missed walking to stuff; restaurants and coffee shops. I miss that hum of city life. Oh, I loved that hum when I lived in Chicago. And I miss public transportation. I miss not having to mow a lawn. I started to feel like being surrounded by very nice people with young kids and mom vans wasn't really where I fit in (and by "fit in" I mean feeling at peace). I was going to say "anymore" but it really never was me. This life really worked for me at a time when I needed it. That changed and I don't need it anymore. Mmm hmm, I am doing that "so there!" thing.

So in January, I decided to make a change. Low interest rates, tax credits, buying power (OK, this is a blessing and a curse). Feeling good; like I could handle it. Like I was willing to take the risk to pursue it. January seems like so long ago. That's when I started talking to a real estate agent. Got my house fixed up in preparation for putting it on the market. I thought this would all happen much more quickly because here we are in July. I think I may have talked about this a bit. Putting a bunch of my belonging in storage really did me some good. It made me investigate my relationship with stuff. And the purge felt awesome. Surprisingly. I no longer needed all that stuff and kind of feel sorry for the old me that felt like I did. In the last several months, I have really only missed my cupcake carriers. What? There were actual times when I needed them. Yes, needed. Because who doesn't love cupcakes and what is wrong with them?

My stripped down life also ended up being more visually appealing too. My house, now with pale/neutral colored walls, felt calm. More light and open. Less burdensome. Gawd, I made a good decision. Despite the fatigue of having to keep my house perpetually staged and running home to remove my dog for showings, I liked this. I want less stuff around me. I like being in a simpler place. And now finally....(finally!)...my house has sold. And when I went out to buy a place (which I couldn't really do until I had a solid offer on the house), I thought differently about what I wanted. This whole open/light/minimalist thing? I wanted that. I mean, I wanted to keep that. It felt good. It's part of my new life (as is new construction...no more DIY, uhm, yippee!) . And the place I selected is just that. So...I close in a week and a half. Holy cow!

THIS is where my personal time has gone. And this has dominated that part of my brain that is reserved for non-work stuff. Hey! I have a part of my brain that is not reserved for work stuff. Like I said, progress! Is this what they are talking about when they say work/life balance? Hmmm, I like. Or at least I like the promise of having a non-work life, like a richer one than I had before. So, yeah, closing. Did I mention about my head exploding?

I don't love living among boxes and disorder. I don't love worrying that I forgot something. But it's almost over and what lies at the other end is kind of awesome. I found something that is really great for me. And while I am resisting developing "expectations" of what my life is going to be like, I am excited. The one drawback I saw (well, OK, two since I am not going to have to walk my dog instead of just letting him out), was the commute. And then I found out that at the Microsoft touchdown office that is walking distance from my new condo, I can pick up a shuttle to Redmond. Yeah, what that means is basically escort service to work: someone else driving and getting in the carpool lane. OK, drawback officially eliminated!

Right now, I do feel that my mental energy is fully tapped, since it's a busy time at work and outside of work I have this going on. But it is so nice to have something to look forward to. I feel a little sad for the old me, a few years ago, that felt like I didn't have something to look forward to. That was a horrible time, which has been hard for me to get to the point of saying, but it was So yeah, I wake up with my heart pounding; in a good way. Which is a change.

I have mentioned before that I don't believe in "luck" (when I say "good luck", colloquially, I mean I am wishing people good fortune...I want good things for them). That I refuse to give any credence to the idea that there is some force that deems some people worthy of good things and others not so much. Frankly, I think that's a big load. I feel similarly about fate...and soul mates. Don't get me started. Another blog post, friends. Anyway, in my life, and I believe yours too, things just happen. Because. And I am perfectly comfortable not knowing why...or not caring. And acknowledging that my puny human mind may not be able to comprehend all the whys of how we got here. I am a fan of just accepting and appreciating. And feeling deserving. Aren't we all?

So, here I am, living among boxes, with my heart pounding and my brain saying "hell yeah!" And feeling like I deserve this and I made it happen. And also, wheeee! Two weeks, friends, before I am fully moved in. Two weeks from now I am going to be in a different place, literally. And when I say "literally", I mean it. I am in the right place on the inside, and I will soon be in the right place on the outside and good stuff is going to happen. Because I say so, I am open to it and I am going to make it happen. Did I already say "wheeee!"?

Anyway, the point of this blog post, probably longer than any that I have written in the past 6 months, is that the blogging I usually do outside of work (OK, admittedly many/most of my posting lately has happened before most people are in the office, but still)? The stupid stuff? It's coming back! And hopefully stupider than ever. You know I have it in me. All that personal mental space I had devoted to the quest for change and fixing my bathroom nd nowing the lawn? It's clearing out. I am giving myself permission to be relieved. But not until the next 2 weeks is over.

And that is what has been going on here. I miss all the commenters, who frequently respond to some goofy thing that I have posted. I want to ramble, and snark (yes, a verb...because I feel like it should be). I want my "are you effing kidding me?" to come back in full force. And then I'll do my work, and then close my eyes and feel grateful.

Comments

• Anonymous
  July 12, 2010
  Welcome back, City Girl! We've lived in a condo near downtown Portland for the past 12 years, and we love it: walking to restaurants, shopping and concerts, no yard work, and the buzz. I just wish my employer provided a shuttle to the office. I hear the MS shuttle even has wi-fi -- more blogging time!

• Anonymous
  July 12, 2010
  Well, I think my shuttle will be a car. And I wish I could look at my computer in a car. I pretty much have to sit in the front and look at the horizon. My people were clearly not seafaring people, obviously. This makes me wonder how we even ended up in the US. Oh wait, my people were drinkers. Now it all makes sense.

• Anonymous
  July 13, 2010
  tldnr

• Anonymous
  July 14, 2010
  RB - yet took the time to comment anonymously. If you aren't interested, don't read it. I don't assume all my blog posts are read in their entirety. If it isn't your cup of tea, move along.