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ground control to major AI: wake up!

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I was off to catch my flight, to somewhere, again. I'd already checked in online, I'm guessing, so I walked straight on through to security. I was waiting in the squiggly weaving line as the 481st person (I counted, because I was bored and what do you really do when you’re in a disney-world-like-line) to get up to the front of the line to be screened by security, when suddenly one of the TSA agents comes by, pulls me aside (with a wry smile on his face) and says, "come with me, sir". So I followed him. As I neared the screening machine, I expected the TSA agent to tell me what I already know. And I really don't know why they insist on telling you things you already know, especially when you come across as a sad soul who travels a butt load anyway. Now, here's what typically happens as I start to the security screening process : as I start to pull out my laptop from my bag, undo my belt, remove my shoes and my wrist watch, take off my jacket and put'em all in a grey box to be screened, a TSA agent screams matter-of-factedly motioning with his hands, "Sir, if you have a laptop, please take it out of the bag, now. Sir." As if I didn’t know what ‘out’ or ‘bag’ meant. Or like I’d forgotten that I should be reffered to as ‘sir’. And just as I start to get ready to approach the human screening machine, hoping and praying, I’ve got anything even remotely metallic out of my human body, including any trace of calcium or iron or magnesium or zinc I may have accidentally consumed the night before, the agent screams, “Sir, do you, sir, have anything metallic on you, sir?” Is it just me, or does the ‘sir’ actually sound condescending after its been used 8 times in a sentence?

However, this time round the TSA guys were pretty darned carefree, as if they knew I’d mess up. So, I was looking around watching for an agent to pounce on me as I got my laptop out, put it on the X-ray machine, and was getting ready to remove my shoes. Just then an agent starts walking toward me. A-ha, I thought, he has to tell me what to do. How could he not? The guy comes up to me and says, “you dont need to take your shoes off.” Hmm… somethings not right. He didn’t use the word ‘sir’ once, and enunciated the word ‘need’. So I walked through with my shoes on, and the machine didn’t go off. I had always known that those shoes had no metal in them. Picked up my bags, and hopped on a people-mover that got me straight to my gate. And just as I got there, they were pretty much done boarding, and I was the last person on. No lines, nothing. That was kinda miraculous considering I was to be seated in 48K, which was in zone 33 (some airlines board in ascending order of zone numbers).

Got on the flight, and I was looking for row 48, when I saw an oversized woman occupying 2.5 seats, snoring, with the arm-rests up, in a row somewhere towards the back of the flight. I thought to myself, that I was probably going to be sitting right next to her (or on her). Turns out, row 48 was an exit row. There was absolutely no turbulence, awesome take-off. Even got food. With dessert. That was edible. There wasn’t a single announcement, about anything. I had the most amazing conversation about something or the other with a petite, gorgeous looking single-serving-disposable-airline-girl-buddy who kept her things out of my way, and didn't go to the restroom once. And I thought to myself, this *has* to be one of the best-est flights ever! So, I thought, the law of averages has to apply – the landing’s gotta feel as if we are going to be landing upside down, or my bag that I thought would fit in the overhead bin but didn’t and was gate-checked was probably incinerated mid-air. Surprisingly, the landing was the best part. It was like we’d landed on a giant rubber mat that absorbed the impact of the landing. The mats were the kind you’d find in a weight room at the gym. And the rubber mat slowed the plane down tremendously, so the pilot didn’t have to brake the last 10 yards doing 916mph.We rolled in to our gate, and people were starting to get up before the plane had stopped. Yeah. No one complained. No screams of “please remain seated till the captain…” And here’s whats even more surprising, before we even got up, the airline crew was coming up to us, and giving us our bags that we’d checked in.

That’s when I woke up from my dream.

Current playing in my head : “Ground control to major Tom” by “David Bowie“

“AI”

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